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New Years' Resolutions for the Candidates

By Hobbes  |  January 1, 2008

On the occasion of the New Year, it has become traditional to make resolutions of things which, in most cases, should have been tended to long ago, and probably won't be now.  Here, we propose some resolutions for the major candidates to consider.  Though we have every confidence that these resolutions will go the way almost all such resolutions go, it's worth a try anyway.

Mike Huckabee - I will lose weight.  Oops, scratch that - took care of that last year.

Barack Obama - I will be more optimistic this year.  Same resolution as last year, and it sure as heck worked then...  (Note to self: run this by Oprah to make sure she approves)

Oprah - I will run for president.  Everyone loves me more than Barack anyway.  What was I thinking?

Chris Dodd - I will paint my fluffy hair a different, bright color each month so the media can never lose track of where I am.

John McCain - Every time I am given any money, I will spend it immediately so as to continually do what I do best: surge from behind.

Dr. Ron Paul - I will have the entire U.S. Constitution, including amendments, tattooed on my heinie, where the other candidates can frequently refer to it.

Michael Bloomberg - I will resolve to be more decisive, like DA Arthur Branch.

Dennis Kucinich - I will refill my lithium pills prescription, and stick to it.

Fred Thompson - I will spend more time making the media look like fools by challenging publishers to debate me rather than my competitors.

Carolyn Washburn, Editor, Des Moines Register - I will not moderate any more debates.  Instead, I will campaign for Fred Thompson by following him, arguing with him and (thereby) giving him frequent rating spikes when his numbers drop.

Joe Biden - I will fire my entire campaign staff and find someone who can demonstrate how much more experience I have than the three frontrunners.  I will run ads showing my Congressional timeline next to Hillary's, Obama's and Edwards'.

Rudy Guiliani - I will spend more time with my family.  Make that families.  I will bribe my son and daughter to campaign for me by promising to select Obama as my running mate (of course, I'll just have Huckabee wear a mask instead).

John Edwards - I will do my part to save the ozone layer by cutting my hairspray consumption in half.

Mitt Romney - I will once and for all sit down and determine what I believe in, and find a way to make people believe it.  Perhaps, I will write my memoirs early just so as to convince the base that I really am pro-life and pro-gun (and always have been).

Hillary Clinton - I will look deep into my soul....and hope that I find one.  Also will return Ron Paul's phone calls about seeing his new tattoo.

Happy New Year!